I Review Video Games, You Make Art

Video games, like manic-depression and drugs, are known to fuck-up an artists drive and focus. If you are trying to make a living by painting nudes at the community center, you should spend your time and resources doing that, and not “just one more game” of online Tekken with the good folks of Japan. I’m here to help. I can give you that “in the know” trendy videogame edge, without any of the cost or effort. I review video games, you make art.

Games will be reviewed on a scale of one to five vaginas.

No More Heroes (Wii)

The basic premise of the game is to become the #1 assassin of all time by defeating a series of ten assassin bosses. When you cut people with your lightsaber-type sword, limbs fall off and blood rockets out of their bodies. It’s the most satisfying way I have ever experienced killing another human being in a videogame. The game, artistically, seems like what the Clash would have done if they had liked videogames and not punk music, and were also popular in 2008 and not 1982, if that makes sense. The parts when you are not killing people are boring enough to ruin the game. I picked up coconuts for half an hour. I wanted to do the Bruce Lee with my Wii nunchuck. If I still smoked weed, I would probably consider this “THE BEST GAME EVER MADE!!!!” I mean, you save your game by taking a shit, that’s like, deserving of a gravity bong rip or something.

({})({})({}) three vaginas.


Burnout Paradise (Playstation 3)

Jenny and I played this game for hours. You race cars around an open Grand Theft Auto style environment. It reminds me of the original Ridge Racer or San Francisco Rush in terms of just pure car game enjoyment, but that probably means nothing to you. I feel like I’m six-years-old in my back yard sandbox putting Hot Wheels in my mouth when I play this game. They have a whole mode of play called “Showtime” where you try to explode as many cars as possible by throwing your wreck of a car into oncoming traffic. Just like real life. I want to stop writing this blog and play this game right now. What keeps me here is a sense of commitment to reviewing video games for an audience that shouldn't be playing video games. I love you.

({})({})({})({})({}) five vaginas.


Call of Duty 4 (Playstation 3)

If you have ever been addicted to hard drugs, you know how this game plays out. Five days after scoring some Call of Duty 4, you’re face down in a pile of empty AMP cans and Dorito bags with a controller in your hand, naked. This game will ruin your life. The basic point of the single-player game is to defeat what I’ll call “Queda” and restore balance to the force of imperialism. There is a level where you are dropping bombs out of an airplane at night on ant-sized “Queda.” There is a level where “Queda” sets off a nuclear bomb, and you crawl to your death. I want to draw a picture of Allah in the sky over Denmark after playing this game. War is awesome. The multiplayer game is like mainlining Ajax.

({})({})({})({})({}) five vaginas.